The Sparrow

How many times am I impatient with the little things? What is it that I am so busy to accomplish today that I can not take the time to love? Who needs my love and patience today?

My husband?

My kids?

My friends?

My family?

My community?

How many times do I simply expect those around me to "get it" and then simply move on? Am I willing to love them enough to walk them all the way through until it makes sense?

How many times does my Savior do the same for me?

We call her K.K......

We have been trying to tame her hair since she was born. It is a lion's maine. Naturally curly, Oh and so much of it. We tried cutting it all off short for about three years because she would barley let us brush it.

I think the Lord gave her this hair because K.K. is not easily "tamed." She is our strong willed child. She will dig her heals in, clench teeth and fists and not back down when she wants her own way. Don't worry though, she doesn't always get it. :)

She is the first to hug you the tightest and just squeeze you as tight as she can. It is a funny sort of "loving." There is not doting. If she hugs you and sort of pats you, she feels like she has solved it all.

K.K. asks the least questions. She just is. It doesn't matter why or how people are. To her they just are. Last year when her friend wouldn't play with her at the program she told her, "she would beat her like a pinata" if she wouldn't play with her. On the other hand you want her on your side for this is the kid that will have your back.

Somedays she is the most absorbed by the culture. This is not always a good thing. She can wag her head, suck her teeth and declare, "Oh no you din't" with the best of them. Other days it is so fun to watch as she dances and plays and loves her friends.

Boo makes me think of me as a child. K.K. has my personality now (minus the hugs that is her talent). We are blunt. We are matter of fact. We just want things to be true and the way that they are supposed to be. She won't like anything she doesn't like. She is in your face. You want her on your side, because she loves fiercely and with wonder.

Her friends just love her and she loves her friends. It isn't that she doesn't notice what they look like or where they come from. She just is there and they are just her friends. She wants them to be with her.

She is happy - She is smart- She is well- adjusted. That is the crazy thing that I know is the Lord. All of my kids are just happy to be kids. They have friends. They want them to be happy, because they are friends. They hurt when their friends hurt.

I know that they are all coming to ages when their friends just might tell them some secrets that they don't know what to do with. I pray that we can talk about it and figure it all out with Jesus....

We call him Bunky...

We really were beginning to believe that this poor child was never going to lose his top teeth. It literally took three days of pulling and the longest root I have ever seen on a tooth- but it finally gave. The other ones shouldn't be far behind.

Bunky is our deep thinker. He asks all of the questions that I never know the answer to. Things like, "When I look around at all the people who do yard work, why does it seem like they are all Mexicans?" "Why are there so many black men on the corner every day?" "Why don't so many of my friends have Dads who live with them?" He analyzes the world and wants to figure it out. He is wrestling with questions that I still wrestle with. I believe the underlying tone is, "How do we define what's fair?"

He is my child that grapples with his sin. He wants to make sure that he has it right. He wants to be right with God. About two months ago when we made the church plant in our community our church home, he expressed how much he liked it better than our other church. When we asked him why he told us, "Well, I think before that I was filling my mind with too much Club Penguin (a cartoon game), now that I am making better choices I think I can hear better from God." This is a child whose greatest sin on most days is whining.

Bunky is also our sensitive one. He wants to be able to get it all right all the time. When he can't he falls apart. If he can't play a sport correctly IMMEDIATELY he thinks he is horrible. The Lord has surrounded him with friends who get this.

Inner city kids as a whole are not known for their sensitivity. Usually, they will eat each other alive. The lesson we focus on the most often is how to show compassion to one another. With Bunky it is different. All everyone ever does and always has done is encourage him. Just last week he was out playing football with a couple of friends. He dropped a pass or something and was beating himself up over it. He friends surrounded him with high fives. In a strange a different way he inspires the kids to be better at thinking of others first.

He has always been the one that is most absorbed into all that we do. He doesn't always want to do it honestly. However, whenever he walks into a room 10 kids at least call out his name. He is the "cool" kid that they all want to be with. He doesn't have a clue. He just sort of hangs and is himself.

He is the youngest in "Drum Disciples," this is the drumming program that we run. This year he is learning to play the kit and he loves it. He loves all sports and tries them all at school. He makes me think so much of his father. That is a very good thing. He just enjoys life.

My prayer for him is that he always feels comfortable in the city. There is a part of me that wants all of my kids called to this ministry. I want the Lord to call them here with us forever. I want it to always be their life too. For today they fall under our covering. This is their calling, but there will come a time when they hear the Lord loud and clear for themselves. I want to see my children press close to Jesus. I want to see them follow him with their whole selves all their lives. I want Bunky to always see those around him here in this place as his friends. May he never be tainted with an "Us. vs. Them" mentality. May he have so many less prejudices than I do. We don't even know the way that we judge each other. May he always just see the city as a another place in need of a Savior.

We call her Boo..

Well, I talk and talk and talk about my kids and our family living out the ministry lifestyle. I thought it might be helpful to talk about each to my kids individually and how this plays out for them.

Boo is the oldest. At 10 she is my ultimate perfectionist. She never procrastinates. Just this past week in a project that she had to do for school, she started it the day that it was assigned. It is funny how my little girl is growing up. Just 4 years ago she would only wear dresses and pink. Now she loves so much to be active that she will not sacrifice the ability to stand on her head for the sake of any dress. Her favorite things in the world are animals (especially horses), rocks (see above), dolphins, and sports. She is a confident kid and yet so insecure. Compassionate and deep she is always watching and thinking. She is a worrier. Yet, she is so brave. She is the one that got on that 32 hour bus without me to Kids Across America this Summer. Her best friend here in West Palm has a Mom that they call "Killer."

Now understand that my kids have never known much less than being immersed in the city and our life here. Boo has been a part of program and day camps and around in some way as long as she can remember. Boo shared a room with a child that we took in for 4 months and became her sister. She is the one that wants to come the outreaches that we have and serve.

Looking around she sees things. She is the one that asked, "Why are there so few "peach" people that live in the public housing projects?" She is also the same one though that doesn't understand why we can't play at certain playgrounds at dusk. At this point I think that she has just resolved herself to the fact that this is the way it is in the city. She is one of three white kids in program. The city we live in is not white. To her that has become normal. I don't honestly, know whether that is a good or bad thing though.

I worry about her. She is my child that is the most introspective. I can't always get her to talk about her feelings. I wonder if I need to teach her compassion as she grows. Yet, at the same time she understands that her good friend may have less food on the table, but she sees her just as a friend. They make friendship rocks for each other. They throw grass in each others hair. They play and run and laugh. I believe that Boo has the ability to inspire her friend to be a child. Her friend, just last year, was one of the roughest kids in program. She was angry and hurting. One day during cheerleading practice they had to do some trick and Boo was paired with her. Apparently, they pulled it off better than anyone else. They have been fast friends since. They were next to each other on that bus to KAA.

Boo is the one that wants to be a part of everything we do. She gets sewing lessons from our Finance Manager and then sells her products to staff and students. She is currently raising money to visit her cousin and best friend in South Carolina. After that though she is planning on using the money to sponsor a child through World Vision.

Boo came to the Lord at 4 years old and asked to be baptized at 7. She get it. She understands her Salvation. She knows how Christ is. She struggles like the rest of us with touching an invisible God. Sometimes I fear that she tries so hard to "do it all right" every day so she can earn Christ's love. But, that is my Martha struggle as well. Her favorite passage in the whole world is Psalm 23. She recites it often. I think it helps her understand how close God really is.

Yet, here doing this, it is just our life. The things she really grapples with are issues like growing up. Every 10 year old does. That is the same as a kid living in ministry or not. This is her normal. Next, Saturday we will take the family and the daughter of Killer to the zoo.

Children and Compassion

For just a moment I want to... no I need to "get real" about your kids doing ministry with you. There are complications.

Even when your children see themselves as fully immersed, sometimes others around you do not. What I mean is, your child may earn the great big trophy for best kid in the whole program. As a parent you may not even have been the one that voted on it. But, then Can you REALLY give it to them? Other kids complain that it is just because they are yours if they win. How will it look? Doesn't some "poor child" from the "hood" really deserve it more? Not when your children see themselves as part of the whole picture. IF this is their place too then they are living by the same rules. That means they need to not think that they can't be good enough to "win."

It feels like, everyone expects your kids to be perfect. You feel forced to hold them to a higher standard. Every time my kids have a break down at the After School program I cringe. Wait a minute- they aren't supposed to actually act like kids! Mine are supposed to never mess up- right? Sometimes adults take it on themselves to make sure that your children know that they are just like everyone else. They want to make sure they KNOW that they are held to the same discipline system, but not allowed to win the prize. But, really you feel watched constantly as a parent. Are your kids going to live up to the same standards that you are always asking everyone else to? Will they be better?

What happens when your kids have days that they don't WANT to do everything? They don't always want to attend every study and program offered. The easy answer is that no child always gets a choice. You can also look at it as- that is alright, there are days that I don't WANT to be here either. This is where God called us as a family, but a child doesn't always know how to articulate the fact that this can be hard.

Even our children were born to be their own people. God has a purpose and a plan for each of them. As they grow up part of their plan is to be a part of this family. The Lord knew that they would be here with us. I don't know if they will grow up to "do" ministry, but honestly, that is not my greatest desire for them. I want them to be so totally in love with Christ that they will do whatever he asks. I want them to be immersed in who he calls them to be. But, I want them to be people moved to compassion.

Compassion is mercy moved to action. How do I teach them to look around them and take in the world around them and not be jaded by it? How do I teach them that their faith can lead to action. How can I get them to not just hate the injustice of the world but to do whatever Christ asks them to about it?

As a Mom my natural inclination is to put my kids in a safe bubble and keep them there. I don't want them to see the violence on the streets. What if they make wrong choices? They could make wrong choices anywhere, but I have to ask am I purposely putting them in harms way? Do I set them up for failure? I want to just live in my little world and not let my kids know too much about the world that is going on around them. I want to control the end result of how they grow up. It makes me sad when I hear stories of people who have given their whole lives to the city for Christ and their kids grow up having fallen away from a relationship with him. In my heart I want the outpouring of their relationship with Christ to move them to action in the form of it being obvious that they work for Jesus.

When we are with friends or family not in the city it strikes me how much they see the world from a whole different perspective. I am realizing slowly but surely this is a good thing. My children are growing up seeing things in a fresh way. At young ages they are forced to see the ugly side of the world and how Christ is still there. My children do notice color, but less than they used to. This is because they want to understand the world they live in. "Why aren't there more white people at our local pool?" "Why don't more white people live in the public housing projects?" "Why are all the people standing on the corner every morning looking for work? Why don't they just go to their jobs like you do?" These are questions that come fast and furious. Questions I don't always want them to ask. I want to "shush" them and just have them sort of ponder it all from afar, and in silence. Yet, with each question they are dealing with their own prejudices and mine at a much earlier age than I began on that journey. They can choose compassion, because they can grapple.

I think in the end all I can do is follow God's word as he spoke in Deut. 6:5-7:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."

Love God with all that I have. Make sure that I am following all he tells me to do. Impart all of this onto my children. My whole life should be about God. I should do what he wants me to. I should care for the widows and the orphans and keep myself from being polluted by the world. I should extend my hands to the poor. I should care for the sick and visit those in jail. I should be in THE WORD and I should be passing all of this down. If I want children of compassion who are totally in love with their Savior then I can do nothing less than live it out so my kids can know what to do.....

Why is it?

So you travel to the mountain top. You see God in all of His glory. He shows himself clearly to you. You hear the voice of God clearly telling you who to follow and what to do. Then you want to just build a little hut on top of your mountain with God and stay there. But, that isn't realistic. You have to come down. You ponder the experience in your heart. It was awe inspiring and amazing. You see God in action. He moves. He heals.

You get to the bottom of the mountain and within five minutes you get distracted. It is like you never saw it happen. You focus on something stupid. Your pride gets in the way. You forget to focus on the Jesus and you focus on how the experience made you special. Anything, comes in so that you might forget to stay focused.

I was thinking of how hard this week has been coming back from the CCDA conference this week. Last week we hard in its own way. But, that is because God showed up in such special way. I was able to teach and be totally in the place that I love in giving everything that Christ has given me away. I took so much away with me. This week has been like living in a mud puddle. Ministry has been hard. Family has been hard. Life has been hard. I know what it is. The one who sets out to "see whom he can devour," wants me to look at anything else except for Christ.

In Mark 9 the same thing happens to a couple of the disciples. Three of them see Jesus in his full glory. They see the face of their heroes Moses and Elijah. They hear the audible voice of God. They come down the mountain and see Jesus cast out a nasty demon. Jesus avoids the corwds so that he can teach them especially to tell them about his death and resurrection. What do they do? They get into an argument about who among them is the greatest? They get focused on who is Jesus' favorite. They don't see Jesus or who he is or what he has done. Instead, it becomes about their pride.

How often does that happen to each of us? How often do we get focused away from the Savior and back on ourselves? I want to know why I am so stupid that I do it so often? I know the tactics, Why do I still look at me more than Him?

Honestly, I think it is pride. It is easier to think why I must have been worthy of the mountain top. I can see what I have DONE to be good enough to have stood there. It is much more difficult to comprehend that maybe I was there just because Jesus loves me and he wanted me there. Could it be so simple that out of God's great love for me, he wants to give me good gifts? What is the best gift? Seeing Christ in His full glory.

So why is it that I am so human that I get so easily distracted? Oh- I know the answer. But, next time I will be different. I will remember that I am not the greatest. That is such a good thing...

Musings for today

We live in the city. We do ministry in the city. My family is way too immersed in everything. There are few to no boundaries. We literally live, eat and sleep what we do. All five of us. Two adults and three kids. It is all consuming. It is our full plate. It is our calling.

Somedays it is just enough and some days it feels like way too much. I know that in all things it is about the hope that Christ brings. As Colossians 1:29 so wonderfully puts it:

"To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me." We are constantly laboring and moving forward. My heart breaks and aches as the city groans. I look around at the people here and I don't know what to do. I also know that I am not always supposed to "do" anything. I am supposed to be here believing that Jesus has it all under control. That is good enough.

Yet, in the midst of it all is just the everyday life. Getting up, putting on clothes, getting the kids to school. The mundane is what can be exhausting. You really do not want to come and visit my home. It sort of always looks like something blew up in the middle of it. I have never seemed to get the whole "housekeeping" thing.

There is telling the world about Jesus, doing the dishes and making sure that my family has enough time together. Many times I just want to throw in the towel and just go to a place where I do nothing. It hurts to care. It puts myself and my family in a place of scrutiny. According to many we have never gotten it "right." Well, if none of us are righteous then when is the last time any of us have gotten it right?

Yet, in the midst of all of this I merely want me and mine to give our lives away. If there is one thing I could really teach my own three kids it would be to truly think of others first. That they might have compassion that would change a world. As Romans 12 states in the message:

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

I am laying my life down again today. It is my offering. Whatever God wants it to be. Whatever he wants me to do or not do. I lay my husband and my kids and city at his feet. They are His and not mine. I give my wants and my desires. He can take all the things I can't ever seem to get right. He can have my life again today. It was His in the first place. It has always belonged to Him.