All over the place...

Well, I had every intention to write this morning about the struggles of discipline when you work with kids from the city. I have many thoughts on this and the Lord has especially impressed it upon my heart this week. We have a tendency to go one of two directions, under or over discipline. Neither are helpful. Don't worry. I am going to talk about it. Just not today.

However, this morning if I am honest my mind is all over the place. Both of my parents have been sick with some sort of Bronchitis, Sinus Infection thing. My Mom would not got to the doctor (I think we finally convinced her today.) It has really bothered me that they are not taking better care of themselves.  This whole swine flu  or whatever it is called today has really been getting to me. At first it is what I thought my Mom had, fever, chills, coughing- What does that sound like to you? My sister just died of a strain of the flu two months ago. I have been irrationally anxious about this new flu. My husband was sick over the weekend I was convinced it was H1N1.

Then there is the breaking point of my sister's memorial service. We are supposed to go to Maine in a month to honor her with friends and family up there.  No matter how much we try to readjust there just are not the funds to make it happen.  I keep thinking about a friend of mine in the community who lost her father a year ago and could not financially get to the funeral. It is a way I never thought I would truly be able to relate. Yet, here I stand with a broken heart understanding on levels I never thought that I would.  My parents are being amazing about it. They have taken all of the pressure off to try and get there. However, I need this. My children didn't get to go to the original funeral, they need this. My oldest declares every night before bed, "I wish Aunt Courtney didn't have to die." I never know what to say.  Everyone think that I am the strong one because I don't over "emote." That just means I am clinging to my Jesus and asking him to take care of everything. I have had to release this. If the Lord wants us there, He has to get us there.

I just keep remembering Philippians 4:6 &7 : "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I keep coming before the Lord and casting all of my cares on him.  I am requesting peace. My heart needs settling. I need to be guarded against myself. I am not sure that I know how to answer this command to not be anxious. I can not quiet my own soul. Thankfully, I know the one who does.

However, even in the midst of turmoil there are amazing blessings. Tomorrow I leave for Jackson, MS.  This is the first leg of my CCDA Cohort program. I just finished reading the required assignments. I was inspired once again that I am not alone. I am not a crazy person with a vision for inner city transformation.  There are others that paved the way. Tomorrow I get to sit at their feet. John Perkins is going to personally take us on a tour of his roots. This is to the inner city what Billy Graham is to  the evangelical world.  I get to hang out with others who think like I do. I am hoping that no one will think that my inability to turn off is insane. My passion can be a little ridiculous sometimes.  But, my husband reminded me that if I talk more than I listen to these men then I am an idiot. I would agree. I am so excited that I can not even begin to think straight.  All of the funds aren't in yet, but the first leg is paid for.  That is good enough for today.

I guess in the end I just have to remember the words of Matthew- Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. Worrying can't add a single hour to my life. So I am trusting the Lord and clinging tight to the ride. 

I am leaving you with a favorite song.  Listen to it and take in all the words. I just have to remember to trust....