Scattered Thoughts

So as I re-enter the real world I am boiling over with thoughts and wonders from the last couple of weeks away. I would like to share all of my craziness with you in no particular order:

1. For the first time in my life I saw several Maine Loons (see right) up close and personal. They make this very eerie wailing sound in this night that sounds like the deepest cry of our hearts. I also was able to see hummingbirds in the wild. So small and flitting about everywhere with such purpose. They move quickly and it matters. This is who I want it to be, focused and moving in order. I stood and breathed in the deep mist of the ocean rain on cliffs while I remembered my sister. While standing on places that she could never go in this life my eight year old declared, "I'll bet Aunt Courtney goes rock climbing with Jesus everyday. I hope we can do that together one day." I stood on a mountain in the fog where I couldn't see my hand in front of my face. I had to trust that there was perspective that I could not see.  The next day I stood on the same mountain and peered out for miles. Coming home I saw my first moray eel face to face while snorkeling. I never thought that a creature that freaks me out so much at the aquarium could stand so gorgeous in its natural environment.  In short, I stood in the shadow of the Creator's creation and all I could do is worship the Creator. Anyone, who would put this much together, ordered so that I could breath it in at such a time as this, has to only be one thing, GOD.  How big is my God and how small am I?

2.  I watched my husband in the pool in the city where we live only to see a familiar site. Within five minutes he was surrounded by children.  He nodded at me with the familiar, "We are never really on a "day off" look, as I began to cry. Looking around at the pool, it was filled on a Saturday with Moms and their kids.  There was only one other family (Mom and Dad and kids) there.  All of the Dads were missing.  On a day when it should be family day, there were no families.  One eight year old wanted to show my husband over and again how high  she could jump,  or how well she could swim.  She wanted for a moment in time for my kids Dad to be hers.  She needed to adopt him. My heart broke. I stood in a public pool praying for every boy who walked by. "Lord may they grow into your men."  Lord please heal the city, I am tired of being so broken.  I long for it to be whole.

3. I learned that Mount Monadnok (20 minutes north of my hometown) is the second most hiked mountain in the world next to Mt. Fiji.  I have hiked it four times so far. I also learned that Fitchburg, MA (the town 3 towns over from my hometown) was in a book and voted as the worst city to live in, in Mass. The only people who want to live there according to the book are "Gangs, drug dealers, greasy people and prostitutes."  Interesting.

4. I read two books and am in the process of reading two more books that have all pointed me back to some important truths.  I need to be in love with my Savior.  I am in awe of what He has done for me, but I need to be in love with HIM not just what He has done. My greatest sin is always my need for independence. This propels my need for control. Our greatest sin from the start of sin has been to try and go it alone. To try and tell God how to make it better.  He cares diligently about relationship to the extreme that He is three in one.  To the point that I was created in His image so that I could be in relationship with Him.  I want to decrease so that He might increase. I want to understand how to glorify Him when I am eating and drinking (1 Cor. 10:31) In everything I do to lift up and bring others to seek His face.  I want it to be His words I speak. I want it to be His reflection that all see. I want to love because He loved me first.

5.  I got to sit and talk doing life with and for Jesus with some friends.  I was reminded how much I love these conversations. I love to have vision and dream.  I love to glimpse for a moment together with all the saints how wide and deep is the love of my Savior for me.  I love to be part of  a body who wants to minister side by side.  This is how I was taught to do ministry. To sit around the kitchen table and pray and talk and laugh and dream.  I miss those days with those friends.  I don't want to be about the business of ministry.  I want to be about the body doing what we were called to do,  lift up the orphans and widows and broken and hurting.

6. It is hard to admit that you are broken and crumpled up when you have felt that way for a long time. Honestly, most of us don't want to hear when someone has been struggling for a long time. We don't know how to fix it. It hurts us.  We run out of  platitudes.  We don't know how to sit with a friend when they are hurting and just let them hurt.  We would rather just tell each other it will be OK.  Of course it will be OK,  we have a God who conquered death for us. That doesn't mean that living as a human trying to live in the light of eternity isn't exhausting work that can crush us if we lose perspective.

7.  I hate it when my friends are hurting and I can't fix it.  I want the right words. I want the right platitudes. I am thankful that the truth remains stable and I don't have to prove it to be the truth. Still, when my friends are hurting I hurt too.  A piece of my heart has been lost forever.

8.  I am really tired of dental work.  It hurts.  But am really thankful for a very good dentist who has put my mouth back together.

9. My life is something to be thankful for.  I love my kids.  They make me laugh and scream all at the same time.  I want to wrap them up and hold them close forever. They ask me questions I don't know how to answer.  My son prayed tonight that all the people of the world would ask Jesus to be in their hearts.  I love that we have an extra with us this summer. I love that she is part of our family.  I love her like one of my own.  I wish I knew how to shine Christ to her better than I do.  My husband is one of the most amazing, Godly men I know.  I would not chose another path. This is the one that God has chosen for me. It is hard. I get tired and weary lots. I love to mount up on wings like eagles and see the world in a fresh sort of way. I want to learn to walk with more joy than I do. We do not give out of our surplus, we give out of our poverty. I must remember where my hope lies.  Next week a friend of mine from the city will turn 21. He confided in me that before Christ found him he never thought that he would make it to see his 21st birthday.  With Jesus death is turned to life.  Thats the whole point....