Of flip flops and frenzy...

I love writing when it just seems like I am standing in the middle of the tornado scratching my head and wondering, "What??"

It all begins with the latest pondering of my heart which is, "Why don't we truly share life together as believers?" I have been wondering a lot about when this will become a true reality. I am really tired of just floating down stream, flailing wildly and feeling like really the world is going on around me with no help at all. All the while, I am coming to see that everyone else is doing the same thing. So the question becomes, "How do we allow ourselves to be truly vulnerable with each other?"  How do we ask for help and at the same time receive it

I witnessed the greatest example of "Survivor" this weekend right in the Old Navy in my own back yard. Sure it was feeling a little crowded that day. Yes, the racks were slightly picked over. Old Navy has the best sales after all. But, then it began to erupt. We could hear chanting and yelling emanating from the back room. My kids wanted to know what was going on. Was there a fight among the employees in a break room? That is when a woman squealed "The FLIP FLOPS ARE COMING OUT!!" Oh- alright flip flops. Could they really be that exciting? My husband and I were on opposite sides of the store at this moment and so he had no clue what was going on. The rack of shoes emerged and they were nothing special. Just a variety of colors of plastic shoes. Except for this. Apparently, they were only a dollar a pair. That is when my husband and I both got caught in the mob. People from all corners of the store began to flock to the call of the flop. My husband was stuck in the path of the infamous rack. The woman pushing was screaming, "Don't touch them until they get to the front of the store!" Like a deer caught in the headlines my hubby was dumbfounded. Looking right at him, she screeched, "Move to the front of the store!!!" He merely stepped out of the way. I was spinning, literally as the crowds pushed me aside. Within seconds the locusts of summer had descended. We just stood in awe as the entire store population moved in. Flip flops were flying. Employees were screaming, "Only FIVE pairs per customer!" On the other side friends and family were screaming, "Get me green ones. A size 10!!!" Within five minutes or less the entire rack was empty. Satisfied, the masses moved back. They had hunted and conquered. My hubby turned to me and declared, "I have only ever seen that in movies."

It had been everyone for themselves. I deserve five pairs of flip flops after all. It doesn't matter if anyone gets in my way. I will get what I deserve. Can't you see that I need these shoes? There was no order. There was no one thinking of others. There was no caring about anyone else. It was a mass of people living in survival mode. That is the problem we all do it. We are protective of ourselves. We don't want to think of others first. I would also argue that we don't want anyone else to think about us. Instead, we want to control our own destiny. It is hard to give it away to the Lord and then to rely on broken people to perhaps help us out when we need help. It is much easier to run for the rack of flip flops.

In contrast, we can feel so taken advantage of we think no one would want to walk out life with us. Just five minutes ago, if I am honest, I avoided the drunk guy who keeps pacing by me as I am sitting outside writing this. Yesterday, he approached me and asked for money. Actually, he approached me first, with no explanation (I was wearing a butterfly shirt and shorts. It must have been the computer?), and asked if I had a job for his 18 year old son. His wife had died two years ago. While I did not doubt his story, I knew that this was not the reason he approached. After five minutes of offering to buy him some food, but not giving him money, he conceded and let me go get him a drink. When I returned with the soda (someone else had bought him a sandwich) I also pulled out a bag of candy. "Oh, well I will give those to my son. I really like Snickers. Do you think you could go back in and get me a Snickers." I refused. I felt taken advantage of. But, if I was thinking about him first would I have gone in and gotten him the candy that he likes? I would have done that for a friend? But, couldn't this guy appreciate what I had done for him? Who had I done it for? Was it so I would feel good about myself? Yet, the feeling of being asked too much of is the same reason that I struggle with asking for help. When will I have asked one too many times? Will others think I am making up my sad story? Maybe I do finally ask for help, do I then feel indebted to them? Will the gift be truly a gift?

Galatians 6: 2-5 "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load."

This verse confuses me. Helping each others burden is loving others as ourselves, this is the law of Christ. So we should carry each others burdens. But we should each carry our own load? Is a load and burden really that much different from each other?

But then the NLT helps out a bit in this: "Share each other's troubles and problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ.If you think you are too important to help someone in need, you are only fooling yourself. You are really a nobody.Be sure to do what you should, for then you will enjoy the personal satisfaction of having done your work well, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else.For we are each responsible for our own conduct."

Now it all makes sense. We are not supposed to live like a survivor in flip flop land or a survivor who scavenges for someone who we can take advantage of. However, we do what Jesus wants us to do when we help each other. If we lived like this we would be able to be vulnerable. If we lived helping others and knowing that other hands will come behind to hold us up. Yet, we are not to do it so that we can feel good about ourselves, or so we can brag at the way we are helpful.. Instead, we need to be doing it because of Christ.

Truly, the goal is aid others as they bring it all to Christ. We can not shoulder our load. We can not shoulder the load of others. But together we can bear the burden to lay it at the feet of the cross. We are ultimately called to lay our burdens down. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 The only burden we should ever carry is the one that allows us to learn from our Savior. It all ends today with knowing that sharing life as a believer, means holding each other up the way that we are called to. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.' john 15:13 &14

If I am a friend of God then I am not a survivor. I am not a rescuer. I am not the hero. I am a just that a friend.

Which is it??

When I embarked on my journey into the city almost 14 years ago I would have told you that all the kids needed was Jesus. Having been a youth pastor in rural New Hampshire for 2 years, worked at Christian camps for three years, and spent a year training in England as a youth person my context was that you bring Jesus in Bible studies and worship services. If the Holy Spirit could just "show up" then the basic needs of a person would and could be met.

In contrast my experience with the "social justice" world were people who didn't care about a person's soul at all. Having attended an extremely "liberal" college, there was a rally or an outcry on the Student Union steps almost daily. Rodney King happened when I was in college as did Desert Storm. We were a country poised against war and injustice. Yet, if I dared breath the name of Christ I was seen as narrow minded and prejudiced.

Well, now so many years later I have seen, felt and experienced so many things. I still believe that all we need is Jesus. However, the good news that is preached to the poor I have come to see is one of hope. Hope is not merely about our souls... Hope is that we know that we have a Savior that full takes care of us. From the inside out and back again. He cares that we have peace in the midst of everything. Yet, it also matters when we hurt, when we are hungry, when our basic daily needs are not met. He cares about social justice because he cares about our souls. When you walk in relationship with someone then you care about everything in their lives. You care about is all, the social justice and the soul.

"He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 1 Thes 5:10 and 11.

Christ wants to be with us when we walk in the land of the living and when we go to heaven to live with him there. Eternal life offered starts the moment that we walk with our Savior. If this is true then, he cares about it all. He cares when we are oppressed and captured and blind and hungry and thirsty. While we must learn to be thankful in all of it and treat this world like it is not our home, the promises by God are not all figurative. He tells us not to worry about what we will eat or drink or what we will wear, because He will take care of it, not because He will ignore it.

""Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
26. Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
27. Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?
28. "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.
29. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
30. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31. So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'
32. For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.
33. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
34. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. " Matthew 6

We should not be chasing after these things because we are seeking first the kingdom of God. For the heavenly Father knows waht we need. He uses earthly resources to take care of our earthly needs. He uses the body of believers. The churches that Paul wrote to took care of His physical needs. When the Apostles in Acts were overwhelmed with the needs of the widows and orphans they did not ignore their needs so that they could go out and preach more. Instead they prayed and anointed men who were focused so on the Lord that they were able to care for the physical needs of the people. These were people like Stephen and Philip who in the midst of waiting tables were speaking life into a hurting and dying world.

All of this to say that I do not understand that why as a body of believers we have come to a place of it being either the gospel or the needs of the people. I have been there. I thought well other people will teach kids to read, but no one is offering them the truth. However, then I realized, if the point is to shine my light at all times in all things- why would I send the kids to someone else to learn to read while I only get time with them for Bible study? Maybe I could bring the Gospel while I teach them to read? In contrast there are those who say they are doing it for Jesus but are petrified that it is not loving enough to tell someone that you are afraid that they can not do it in their own strength. They need some help. Christ when he ascended sent us a helper in the Godhead. He is the Holy Spirit. It is not just about providing systems or fixing laws. The Good News is that we have a Savior who cares for it all. Why can't we come together and be about the full power of Christ?? It is not either or, It is and...

Poverty

I so distinctly remember the same panic. I came home from school one day and my Mom didn't tell me that she wasn't going to be home. I had to be around 10 ish. After the anxiety washed away I remembered the back up plan. I was supposed to go to Mrs. Cromack;s house down the street, if ever I couldn't get into my house for any reason. Now when you grow up in the woods, "next door," or "down the street" is a little bit of a walk. Bravely, I walked the path until I got there. Knocking on her door it was obvious that this loving elderly woman was not expecting me. However, she smiled wide and invited me in. She tried to call me Mom (before cell phones or answering machines may I add) and we sat at her little kitchen table and ate graham crackers and milk and talked about my day at school. It wasn't until years later when they boarded up her little house and turned it into a shed that I realized that Mrs. Cromack was poor. She was my neighbor. She made me feel safe on a day when I was afraid. I often went to her house when my sister was in the hospital. She made us these special danish squares on our birthdays. We always got to pick the fruit flavor we liked best. Finally, that day when my Mom called to find me, I was happy sitting in her old rocking chair watching the one channel that her TV captured. (My Mom had fallen asleep for a nap and didn't hear me knocking to get in.)

When, I found little Paulina pounding on her door with a tear stained face the other day I knew that feeling she wore. I recalled being 10 all over again. Her Mom had called after the bus had left our after school program. Mom had gotten caught on a late bus and was still a half an hour away. When we dropped her off in the public housing projects it was not uncommon for Mom to not meet us at the bus but for this little five year old to walk herself in and Mom would meet her inside. I could not get ahold of our bus driver to tell him to bring her back. Hopping in my car, I drove down the street to gather her up and let her spend some time with me until me until Mom got home. I ran down to her door, because I could see this small figure frantically pounding on the door. What was worse was that her neighbors were ignoring her. Calling her name, I comforted her and told her what was going on. Immediately, she calmed.

Mom called a few minutes later to tell me that she was closer than anticipated and tried to convince me to "just leave her," until she got home. What was worse was that she informed me that Paulina knew she was supposed to go to the neighbors in events like this. Here is the memory that caught me by surprise. I walked a long way to Mrs. Cromack's house, knocked on the door and she gladly took me in to care for me. In contrast, these neighbors door is less than 50 feet away. Actually, one of the adults was standing outside just staring at Paulina when I walked up. No one was inviting her in. No one was attempting to comfort her. There were no graham crackers and milk. Upon further discussion with Mom she informed me that normally Paulina (who is 5) has her own key and can let herself in.

So many emotions flooded me after I let Paulina off at home and talked about back up plans with Mom if this was ever to happen again. I think the greatest was that this five year old has already begun to learn how to "survive." We wonder why the crust begins to thicken at such an early age. Why I have to stop and talk to a six year old who strings a wonder of curses together every time I see him. Mom has no other choice as a single Mom some days with no help but to give her five year old a key and tell her to wait until she gets home.

Mrs. Cromack was poor financially, but I never knew she was poor. She never lived a life only focused on herself. Being "poor" has nothing to do with socio economic status. It is the homeless man near our house who holds up a sign that says, "I only want money for booze." Any time we offer him food or something to drink he shakes his head and walks away. He is poor. It is the neighbor who will not help a panicked five year old. It is when we become so self focused we genuinely come to believe that we have nothing to give away.

"The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the LORD will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them." Isaiah 41:17

We get focused on our thirst and our own lack of water and we forget that the Lord will not forget. It is supposed to be that the two greatest "laws" of the Bible are:

Matthew 22:37-40 Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment.
And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

So it is that we need to be loving our neighbors as ourselves. "Do to others what you would like them to do to you." Matt. 7:12 This is the basic, moral, "Golden Rule," even if you take Christ out of the equation. I know I am not supposed to be shocked when the world acts like the world. However, if we could be overcome with the love of Christ then we would need to give it away. We wouldn't have to worry about needing to survive, because our poverty would be in his hands. Hands that are big enough to take care of everything. Well, I guess that confirms it once again we are still a people in need of a Savior.

Who am I???

It's not a new song by any means, but it has me thinking.....





If the bible was re-written and the writers put me in it
I wonder how my life would read?
Would the people that have heard of me read just to learn of me be turned away by what they see?
Or would they slump in their sofas blown away and sober by my life... didn't come to believe
Or would they do a once over read the pages of my life, and once it's over, close the book and say that's not how I want to be!

And that's a sad commentary when I'm buried under the public to see
But I pray they remember me for
walking in integrity being what God called me to be.
And if I leave an impression man I hope that I impress them with a life that was clean and free

And I pray that it's not embarrasing when they read my narrative once I finally do leave.

Hoorah!
Am I more like Cain full of hatred to my brother to slain?
Hoorah!
Or am I more like Jezebel sexual in all my ways?
(Think about it)
Hoorah!
Or am I more like Mary pure and holy 'till I lay in the grave?
Hoorah!
Or am I more like Abel, able to please God with my ways?
(Think about it)

If the book was re-written and the writers put me in it what would they say about my private life?

Would they say that my commitment to the ministry was strong but that I never spend time with my wife?

What would they say about my character?
Would they say that I was arrogant, an American full of myself?

How would they write about my parenting?
Would they say while traveling, I put my children up on the shelf?
Would it be positive or negative if everything I ever did was charted down and read by all?
Not only the stuff you could see on the surface but the stuff that was done in the dark?

Well if the boys could talk when the doors was locked would they say that I was off the chain or would it be the complete opposite would they say that my public and private life were all the same?

Hoorah!
Am I more like Cain full of hatred to my brother to slain?
Hoorah!
Or am I more like Jezebel sexual in all my ways?
(Think about it)
Hoorah!
Or am I more like Mary pure and holy 'till I lay in the grave?
Hoorah!
Or am I more like Abel, able to please God with my ways?
(Think about it)

If the book was re-written and the writers put me in who would they say that I resemble the most?

Would it be Joseph or Sampson both of 'em handsome only one of 'em was a symbol of hope.

Or would I be listed among the greats mentioned among the saints in the hall of fame?

Would I'd have to be stripped of this running the base a product of my own mistakes?
Now I know it's not possible but if the book was re-written man I wonder how my life would read.

From 2 years old till my funeral would I fail or would I succeed? Cuz when they write my biography what would they recall about the life and times about the man it means a lot to me!
Cuz in the story I leave 'em I am either God's leader or a picture of what not to be.

Hoorah!
Am I more like Cain full of hatred to my brother to slain?
Hoorah!
Or am I more like Jezebel sexual in all my ways?
(Think about it)
Hoorah!
Or am I more like Mary pure and holy 'till I lay in the grave?
Hoorah!
Or am I more like Abel, able to please God with my ways?
(Think about

Where I belong...

Sometimes you stand in the middle of an unlikely circumstance and you find it is right where you belong. That was my entire weekend.

It all began with a chicken sandwich.  My kids had off from school this past Friday.  I had some coupons, so I decided that it might be a nice treat to take them through the drive through at Chick Fil-A.  As I drove up I saw him standing in front of the store. His shorts were full of holes, but they were clean. He looked sort of nervous, like he was waiting for someone.  His demeanor made me look twice, but I really didn't think an awful lot about it Driving up, I realized I had forgotten the coupons. Oh, well, I was here anyway. Ordering, I decided to go ahead and treat my hubby as I was on my way into the office. Of course AFTER, I order he calls to tell me that he has a working lunch. I hadn't ordered anything for myself so I figured I would just eat it myself. Coming out of the window, I looked back and it struck me. This young man was not waiting for someone, he was waiting for something.  He was hoping someone would buy him some lunch.  Pulling over, I called him over to the car and handed him my husband's sandwich.  Driving away I kicked myself that I didn't give him my soda too.

When I got into the office, it was bustling with activity.  A volunteer group had come in to do some work on our building. Setting the kids up in the kitchen to finish their lunch, I  saw that the counter was covered with all sorts of food. The group had bought lunch for everyone in the office. The lesson hit me immediately. How often to I hold on to one little sandwich when the Lord is offering me a banquet? I can have fast food, or a meal wit the one who loves me most? I can wander aimlessly begging for food, or I can sit with my Savior while he feeds me the bread of life.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." Rev. 3:20

I spent the rest of the day remorseful that I had not given more food away.

On Saturday, the "Drum Disciples" had another grand performance. Of course it was one of those events that you are standing in the middle of scratching your head.  Music was blaring as we walked into the block party.  It was a strange mix of an event. Curses flew from the speakers.  Dirt and dust and broken glass were everywhere. Children walked around barefoot through the debris. A woman stood up to pray for the event.  Then someone else promoting HIV/AIDS prevention got onto the microphone to spout off facts of how to avoid getting the disease.  They were giving out prizes to teens who knew what bodily fluids the disease could be passed through.  Even if it is appropriate it is strange when someone screams, "BREAST MILK," into a microphone. Especially, when it is a twelve year old boy that you know.  THe mixture of everything happening was crazy.  The drummers got up to perform. As usual they were a light shining out as a city on a hill. Unfortunately, the sound quality was horrible. While the guy who decided to impromptu join them on the keyboard was very talented, it was still odd. Yet, as I stood in the blazing sun of south Florida in this crazy block party, I was comfortable and happy.  I ran into a bunch of kids that I have not seen in way too long. I hugged them and told them I needed them back in program.  I saw neighbors and friends. I remembered once again why it is that I do what I do. This is where I belong. This is where my family belongs.  My kids didn't see the dirt or the dust. They saw the bounce house and their friends.  Even after the performance they wanted to stay and play. The drunk men wandering around with paper bags in hand were not obvious to them.  My husband grabbed my hand and whispered in my ear, "This is who we are..."

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:9 &10

Sitting in lounge chairs that were a little old and a little bit dirty we looked around at the sea of faces. Right in the midst of the city was this little water park.  A little bit old, but very well kept. Best of all it is a free service of our city.  John and I mused at the people who don't know it there, or more accurately, don't want to know because they would never go there anyway. Our kids were making new friends and having a grand time.  One of the families from our program showed up just as we were leaving. "See I told you that was he car!"  one of the girls exclaimed.  As I talked with their Mom for a moment it was a sweet instance of knowing that this is a place that belongs to both of us. 

I guess that pretty much sums it up. This weekend reminded me that in my world there is no us and them. I do not stand on the outside looking in and offering a hand. Instead, I stand in the middle shoulder to shoulder as a friend and neighbor.  Their struggles are mine.  Their neighborhoods are mine.

"He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful." 1 Cor. 1:8&9

Ultimately, the bottom line is that what we are really called to is fellowship with Jesus Christ our Lord.  Sure we are "called" into different things to do with and for our Savior, but first we are simply called to be with him. If that is what we are called to then there is really no separation at all. While it might seem strange, it is right where I belong.  We all do....

The lie...the Truth

Lately, the fight has been exhausting. I am caught between two places: the truth and the lie.

The lie is that God has forgotten all about me. He can't hear my prayers. I am just a failure that He has given up on.   He doesn't care about what I am doing here. No one does. It simply does not matter.  This is the lie.

The problem is that the lie feels very real right now.  I am in a season where God is being silent. Perhaps, He is just giving me answers I don't like. I don't know. All I can say is that it feels like I am being crushed.  I am tired. I can see the land that we are to redeem, but it just seems so far away.

But, the problem with a lie is that it is not the truth. It is a lie. Lies tear down and destroy. They cast seeds of doubt that grow to choking weeds of despair. Lies cause you to give up.

The truth is that we have an adversary.  He spends his days roaming around seeking whom he will devour. DEVOUR! He wants to chew me up, spit me out and leave me useless. He wants me to give up  and give up on God.

God has not given up on me.  The Word tells me that His love is unfailing.  He can not forsake me. He can not nor will He forget me.   He hears the cry of the destitute and longs to answer their hurt.  My God collects my tears and weeps when I weep. He knows the number of hairs on my head. His staff is gently guiding me and desires to show me His ways.

I am reminded of Job. This is a man above all men here on earth. Yet, due to Satan's prompting his life ends up in calamity and despair.  His friends declare that there must be some great unrepentant sin that caused this.  They tell him to walk away from God.  Job does not "get it"  but he does not curse God and walk away. He feels abandoned and left to die. He feels as if God has left him in darkness. The good in his life is gone and he just needs to somehow accept his plight.  Then God shows up and this is what Job has to say, (thanks Nicole for posting this :) 

Then Job replied to the LORD: "I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You ask, 'Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?' It is I. And I was talking about things I did not understand, things far too wonderful for me. "You said, 'Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.'"I had heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes." Job 42 1-4 (NLT)

The Lord has spoken to me so many times. I need to see Him now. I need to see Him at work in my life and the life of the city.  The Lord is teaching me how those around me feel. I am hating this lesson. But, I know what the truth is.  Even my greatest piece of wisdom is infinite stupidity.

The truth is I don't have to get it. The truth is I have get over what I feel.  I can't get hung up on my feelings. Then I really will be rendered useless. The truth is I have to focus on the face of my Savior in the midst of the wind and waves lest I sink. The lie is that I will drown. The truth is that I can walk on water.

Truthfully, I have the full power of God in me in the person of the Holy Spirit.  This power is no small thing. I pray that today He will fully conquer what I feel.

Not Alone.....

In the end it is just that Christ is at the center and I want to remember. I want to remember where I am going. It is not what I do that matters... But I am never alone...We are never alone....

Burn the Plow...

1 Kings 19: 19-21 "So Elijah went from there and found Elisha son of Shaphat. He was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen, and he himself was driving the twelfth pair. Elijah went up to him and threw his cloak around him. Elisha then left his oxen and ran after Elijah. "Let me kiss my father and mother good-by," he said, "and then I will come with you." "Go back," Elijah replied. "What have I done to you?" So Elisha left him and went back. He took his yoke of oxen and slaughtered them. He burned the plowing equipment to cook the meat and gave it to the people, and they ate. Then he set out to follow Elijah and became his attendant."

Elijah the great prophet has just come down from Mount Carmel where he heard God whisper his name. He had cried out to the Lord that he was all alone. The Lord says no you are not alone. I have a successor for you,. Elijah finds Elisha wealthy and plowing his fields. He is about the work that he has always been about. Yet, as soon as Elijah shows up, Elisha knows what he is to do.  He has to give up his old life to be who God wants him to be.  He is shocked and afraid, but he burns the plow and his oxen. He declares, "I will not go back."  It is what Jesus spoke of when he said in Luke 9 :"Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family."Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." Elisha had wanted to say goodbye to his family but at the same time was willing to walk away from that life. He wanted to be the person God wanted him to be. It didn't take much explanation for him to understand what Elijah was saying when he threw that cloak around his shoulders.

Spending a week chewing on what a legacy is I can relate to Elisha.  I want to accept the mantle thrown on my shoulders.  I am petrified as to what it all means. The only thing I am certain of is that I can never go back to my old way of life. In Christ I am a new creation. That means 100% that I am about HIM and what he wants of me. Whatever, that might mean.

At one point this week I was asked what my passion is.  My heart is to see families in the city made whole. What does that mean I was asked?  Well, as I have chewed on it I understand that means Mom and Dad living at home with all of their children. This is a family that is fully in love with Christ. Things like water, electricity, food and shelter are all so taken care of that they are not even a thought. This is a family that shines Christ's love to all that surround them.  This does not mean that trials do not come, but when they do there is a hope that stands firm.  The children have access to a a quality education, with teachers and a system that has not and does not give up on them. The children in the family dream of what they will be when they grow up and there are no limits on what they can be. There is absolutely nothing that holds them back: race, economic station, nothing. My dream would be that these children would grow in Christ and would marry one spouse and be married for a lifetime. All of their children would grow and know the Lord with one father and one mother.  There would be jobs available for the parents.  They would never feel desperate enough to bottle their soul and sell it on a street corner or in a dark ally in any way. That the heart of the city would no longer be filled with a rage of injustice that comes out in all the wrong ways.   Instead, that at the end of my life I would shed tears of joy at the changes that I see. There would be a transformation because perfect love chases away all fear.

You are thinking this dream is too big.  If I have really burned my plow then it is too small. Because, it is what God has called me to do. There is nothing that I can do any differently. I have to step out and say that God has not called me to a regular life. It is crazy and I just might have to have some faith that I didn't know was possible. The Spirit within me must be the well from which I draw my strength.

This week I came to understand what legacy really is.   My mother was raised by her Aunt.  She is who I am named after. I called her "Grammie."  Her life was spent at the farthest ends of rural Maine as a public health nurse.  She met the poorest of the poor and made sure that they had medical care.  When others were saying that this set of people were too poor, too unreachable, too "out there," she stood in the gap for them. It took seven people to take over her route when she retired.  Her face was set like flint on bringing Christ to those that needed His light.   When I put it in those terms, I began to understand just a bit what legacy really is.  I am her name sake. A name that means, "Remember Grace."     SHe burned her plow and never looked back.

I pray that the Lord will give me the strength to never look back. 

"I prayed for 20 years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs." Frederick Douglas

Who I want to be...

I have decided who I want to be when I grow up.  I want to serve Jesus with all of my being all of my life. I want to give all of myself away.

Sitting yesterday and the rest of this week with men and women who are considered, "pillars of the faith," it inspirational. There is so much more to do. More to be. More to come.  I just need to be pushing in toward my Jesus until the very moment that I am taken home once and for all.

John Perkins at 78 years old travels weekly speaking across the country. He considers it a "good trip" when he has gotten people into a room who will become a catalyst for change.  One of his "volunteer" that lives at the Perkins' Center is in his early eighties.  Ten years ago he "retired" and came here to take up the work of Christ in Mississippi.  He dreams and has visions for the eradication of poverty once and for all.  Billy Graham still takes the stage. Bill Bright the founder of Campus Crusade for Christ was dictating a book as he lay in his bed dying of cancer.  These are those that I have met or that I can think of off the top of my head that are living it out to the fullest all the days of their lives.  This is what I want to be.

"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised For in just a very little while, "He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him."But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." Hebrews 10: 36-39

I don't want to be one who shrinks back. I want to press in forward taking back land and gaining new territory for Jesus. I want to be riding into battle on His horse as he drives the way and I simply am allowed to be part of the battle.  I don't want to fade out. I am not of those who shrink back.

All over the place...

Well, I had every intention to write this morning about the struggles of discipline when you work with kids from the city. I have many thoughts on this and the Lord has especially impressed it upon my heart this week. We have a tendency to go one of two directions, under or over discipline. Neither are helpful. Don't worry. I am going to talk about it. Just not today.

However, this morning if I am honest my mind is all over the place. Both of my parents have been sick with some sort of Bronchitis, Sinus Infection thing. My Mom would not got to the doctor (I think we finally convinced her today.) It has really bothered me that they are not taking better care of themselves.  This whole swine flu  or whatever it is called today has really been getting to me. At first it is what I thought my Mom had, fever, chills, coughing- What does that sound like to you? My sister just died of a strain of the flu two months ago. I have been irrationally anxious about this new flu. My husband was sick over the weekend I was convinced it was H1N1.

Then there is the breaking point of my sister's memorial service. We are supposed to go to Maine in a month to honor her with friends and family up there.  No matter how much we try to readjust there just are not the funds to make it happen.  I keep thinking about a friend of mine in the community who lost her father a year ago and could not financially get to the funeral. It is a way I never thought I would truly be able to relate. Yet, here I stand with a broken heart understanding on levels I never thought that I would.  My parents are being amazing about it. They have taken all of the pressure off to try and get there. However, I need this. My children didn't get to go to the original funeral, they need this. My oldest declares every night before bed, "I wish Aunt Courtney didn't have to die." I never know what to say.  Everyone think that I am the strong one because I don't over "emote." That just means I am clinging to my Jesus and asking him to take care of everything. I have had to release this. If the Lord wants us there, He has to get us there.

I just keep remembering Philippians 4:6 &7 : "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I keep coming before the Lord and casting all of my cares on him.  I am requesting peace. My heart needs settling. I need to be guarded against myself. I am not sure that I know how to answer this command to not be anxious. I can not quiet my own soul. Thankfully, I know the one who does.

However, even in the midst of turmoil there are amazing blessings. Tomorrow I leave for Jackson, MS.  This is the first leg of my CCDA Cohort program. I just finished reading the required assignments. I was inspired once again that I am not alone. I am not a crazy person with a vision for inner city transformation.  There are others that paved the way. Tomorrow I get to sit at their feet. John Perkins is going to personally take us on a tour of his roots. This is to the inner city what Billy Graham is to  the evangelical world.  I get to hang out with others who think like I do. I am hoping that no one will think that my inability to turn off is insane. My passion can be a little ridiculous sometimes.  But, my husband reminded me that if I talk more than I listen to these men then I am an idiot. I would agree. I am so excited that I can not even begin to think straight.  All of the funds aren't in yet, but the first leg is paid for.  That is good enough for today.

I guess in the end I just have to remember the words of Matthew- Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. Worrying can't add a single hour to my life. So I am trusting the Lord and clinging tight to the ride. 

I am leaving you with a favorite song.  Listen to it and take in all the words. I just have to remember to trust....

Through the Valley...

"The pathway is broken 

And The signs are unclear 

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here 

But just because You love me the way that You do 

I'm gonna walk through the valley 

If You want me to 

Chorus: 

Cause I'm not who I was 

When I took my first step 

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet 

so if all of these trials bring me closer to you 

Then I will walk through the fire 

If You want me to 

It may not be the way I would have chosen 

When you lead me through a world that's not my home 

But You never said it would be easy 

You only said I'd never go alone 

So When the whole world turns against me 

And I'm all by myself 

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help 

I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through 

And I go through the darkness If You want me to " Ginny Owens

I heard this  on the radio yesterday as I was driving. I just hung my head and cried. When is the last time I truly thanked the Lord for my valley? When was the last time I considered it "Pure Joy" to face trials of many kinds? Even when I can't hear the Lord's answers have I really stopped to breath in the wonder and awe of what my Savior did when he conquered death for me? When did I stop living for eternity and start living for today?

Oh Jesus- I want to do whatever you want of me. Even if it means walking through the valley- or the fire or the darkness. I will remember your great and awesome love.  I will stop making that love a small thing. I will remember that I am not alone. You are ever with me for now and forever more.  I am so sorry for taking my eyes off of  your face. Thank You. Amen.